THIS much we know... cooking contests don't get more repetitive than Celebrity Master-Chef.
jimmy chooBut while we've learned to live with the boring BBC1 serving us exactly the same recipe year after dreary year, why should we put up with "stars" we've never even heard of?
"Alex is an actress from Brookside," booms boiledegg-wearing- glasses-guy Gregg Wallace. "So we have no idea whether she can cook or not."
More to the point... we have no idea who she is.
"Neil Stuke was the star of 90s cult TV series Game On," says dishevelleddrunk-lookalike John Torode. "But what's it going to be like without a script?"
If the highlight of Neil's career is some forgotten flop from way back last century, I'm guessing that not having a script to read will be nothing new to him.
Honestly! No offence to our unknown heroes... but can't the top team at Master-Chef find anyone just a little bit more famous? And who else is gracing this glittering line-up?
Oh my god... it's that Australian bloke they kicked out of Dragons' Den. Richard Whassisname!
Now step back in amazement and drum roll please... Christian Dior Watches for DJ Nihal Arthanayake! Literally, a very big name. But hardly a priority target for autograph hunters.
For a brief interlude, Olympic golden girl Tessa Sanderson proves that total anonymity isn't necessarily a prerequisite for this show.
Sadly, her raw chicken and blood surprise fails to hit the spot with fruit and veg man Gregg. And he orders her to leave the kitchen.
So it's back to Nonentity Master Chef ... and the next helping of tragically unimpressive recruits.
Grizzled reality veterans Christine Hamilton (I'm A Celeb), Colin Jackson (Strictly Come Dancing), and Tricia Penrose (Fame Academy). Leftovers from other pro-grammes.
"Cooking doesn't get tougher than this, " shouts Gregg, time and time again. Yes it does... shut up.
Over to superstar Stuke, who - adhering to the strict rule that all dead relatives must be mentioned (Cowell's law) - informs us: "I'm doing it for my dad, who died last year." Very sad, of course... but why is this relevant?
Naturally, there is no change to the epic amounts of food Wallace manages to cram into his enormous mouth.
His hamster cheeks bulging full of Neil's triumphant pear tartin, old Baldy bellows: "I could sit down in one go and eat all of that." You almost did mate... in a single spoonful! Meanwhile, world- renowned Nihal dips into the telly book of clichs and proudly declares: "I'm at the beginning of a journey."
Make that the end. So long... who were you?
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